Wolf here, back after a break, dropping knowledge like I forgot how to hold things in my precious little paws.
So, today is May 22, marking the countdown of 7 more days until I turn…2…2…..25…I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to say that…until I turn 26 anyway.
Today also marks the 100th day since I’ve been unemployed. I guess I should consider myself lucky as I do not (currently) suffer from months upon months of unemployment and unknown fears as many Americans go through day in and day out.
But, I do have my own set of fears. I don’t know how I’m going to pay for anything, my lease ends in three months, and I’m stuck in a perpetual rut.
But this rut isn’t something I can simply jettison myself out of my misery. This rut is a revelation that I struggle with everyday.
Natural ability doesn’t go very far.
I look at my resume. I look at the accolades I’ve accomplished and it all seems to go to waste. I constantly ask myself what am I doing wrong; what makes me unwanted?
The reasoning behind the lack of my success in the job field still baffles me but I have theories. And usually, these theories are mute points of insignificant denial. But, as I reread a letter from a college professor, things are beginning to become clearer. Maybe.
One key moment in the letter from my professor reads the following:
"But, of course, in acting, as in everything else, natural ability doesn’t go very far. Ultimately, what matters is motivation and willingness to work with intention and consistency."
So how does this affect my situation? I realize that it doesn’t matter how “great” I am in anything, it’s all about luck, patience, and unfortunately, politics. I realize that I can’t rely on going the motions with the world, looking at things like I’m a Rainman-like savant.
But I think that is my biggest fear. A fear to have to work hard for something. A fear of the unknown. A fear of failure.
But most importantly, a fear of relying on hope instead of talent.
Admittedly, I’m a cynic. I don’t like relying on the intangible and I may be jaded against those who do. I live in a world of “What I see” versus “What I wish.” But as I count down the days to my 2….25th birthday, I see that optimism is beginning to look like a viable option. It is beginning to be my sole motivation, a willingness to believe that I have the skills and they will be recognized.
It pushes me to work hard and try. It also looks like I don’t have many other options. I guess I just have to play the game and believe things will turn out for the better….
Imagine waking up everyday with a feeling that you don’t belong to the world you live in. You don’t fit in with anyone or anything and you truly live on an island.
Except this island is still in the middle of the ocean so you are surrounded by people because you are stuck in the center. You still feel like an outside and there is no escape from the middle because you are the furthest away from the exit.
You are in the middle but you can’t connect with anyone because you are a hodgepodge of “sort-ofs.” You have some things in common but not a lot of things in common. You are kinda fun but you’re kinda dull. You are easily forgettable; no one truly cares what you are up to. Nothing truly matters.
Furthermore, this isolation gives you nothing but pain. Pain is the only thing you experience everyday. Some days you are happy, some days you are angry, some days you are sad but everyday, you are hurt and no one will truly care or understand why. Sure, everyone will try to convince you, saying you are wrong, you are not alone and there is no reason to be upset. “You’ve got the rest of your life to look forward to” is fairly common here.
You keep quiet, though, and bottle it all up. Until you start acting out because you are in desparate need of attention, recognition. All you want is someone to notice you, honor you.
It is vampiric; you suck it in every chance you get and since no one told you anything you wanted to hear, you don’t know when to stop. You are a fiend and an addict.
Your fervor makes you the definition of insane as you keep repeating the same actions over and over and over and over, thinking things will change. They do not change, and they never will. The world is Celsius and you are Kelvin. It’s a black and white world and you are pink. You stick out but you are an anomaly, against the grain.
Finally, the worst part of the equation is that you have no identity or sense of self. If you do not know who you are or what makes you, you, then how are you suppose to find someone else? How do you genuinely care for another person past initial infatuation and superficiality? The simple answer? You don’t. All you do is blindly feel emotion. All emotions, all the time, surrounded by pain.
And then it happens. You get a chance to turn off the lights, crawl into bed and truly be alone. This is when you realize you have been alone all day and you will end the night alone. You (try to) sleep. You dream. Your dreams give you everything you imagine and everything you seek.
But this isn’t reality, is it? Is reality even worth your effort?
Hello fellow wolves,
it’s been awhile since I’ve written a post so I thought I’d brush off the cobwebs on my keyboard and type something.
Sadly, I am in a pickle at the moment; I am currently blind as a bat. Yes, I am using SONAR and Daredevil like skill to navigate through the world. And the way I lost my frames is hilarious and so..sooo sad too.
While climbing rocks (literally), my glasses decided that they were too damn good for my face and ears. After a big jump, my specs fell off my face. This wouldn’t be a problem in most situations..but unfortunately, I was at the beach and the tide decided to play an early April Fool’s joke on me and take my glasses for a swim. But this is a joke right? Because I kind of need to say.
I cant drive but I can walk and ride the bus. (luckily is BIG AND BLUE). And this week, I truly got to enjoy my surroundings in a brand new light…a brand new blurry light. I walked two miles to a video game store with the smell of Brazilian in my nose as dozens of restaurants bustled during Easter. I was totally incognizant but completely in tune with what surrounded me.
I heard a creepy tune from an ice cream truck and I was alone as I watched it go by, no one else was near me. I suddenly got a panic attack as I imagined the ice cream driver (that I won’t be able to see) slowly killing me with that same creepy ice cream truck tune.
My mind does crazy things….
But I assume that this stroke of blindness has help me see beauty…even I though I technically can’t “see” the beauty. But now my mind is as cloudy as my vision…I’ve been in a hazy daze and it’s pure melancholy yet it is also nonchalant…fickle in every sense of the word.
I know I only have one option. I have to sit and look up at the sky, look inside my mind and watch those white things that I assume are clouds pass me by.
Unless it storms. Then maybe I can be truly happy.